The audience is spoiled these days. Thanks in no small part to the proliferation of streamers with pockets as deep as the Pacific Ocean, we’re drowning in quality TV.
Only in the last seven days, the list of new series and new episodes of ongoing series you could choose from included Apple’s black bird, netflix better call Saul And paper girls, and Disney’s only murders in the building And Under the banner of heaven.
That’s only one week. What about last month or last year?
With really, really good television at our fingertips, it’s therapeutic to be reminded every now and then that somewhere in the vast television landscape, some people are still really making, really bad Television.
Until yesterday, I was convinced Harry Wilde This was the worst drama series I’ve seen this year on RTÉ1. came along again la bre (Paramount+) to prove me wrong.
The title refers to the La Brea tar pits in Los Angeles, where a massive sinkhole suddenly opens, sucking in people, vehicles, and entire buildings.
What opens up on your screen, however, isn’t a sinkhole, but a stink, beneath which you’ll encounter the most silly plot, along with the dumbest dialogue ever to come out of a human mouth.
Since the series was filmed in Australia rather than Los Angeles, some of the mouthpiece is from local actors who struggle to contain their Australian accent as Skippy the Bush kangaroo jumps a fence.
We may be in the land below, but the stars of la bre A standard issue is the American network TV family with perfect color and atom-white teeth. Teenage siblings Josh and Izzy (Jack Martin and Zaira Goreki) are stuck in a traffic jam with their mom, Eve (Natalie Zia), who looks almost two years older than them.
All three are doing business quips in that smart-arse way real people never do when the land suddenly opens up. They jump out of the car and run away. Josh goes back to help the fallen child and falls into the hole. Eve goes back to help Josh and falls into the hole.
Izzy goes back to help Eve, who hasn’t fallen far enough into the hole that Izzy can’t hold her hand. “I love you!” Eve tells him, just before taking Issie’s fingers off her wrist and falling into the green-screen background.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Australia, Eve’s troubled husband Gavin is sitting in his car. He is played by Irish actor Eoin McKean, who used to be fair city And so one must know what it feels like to be stuck in a hole.
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Gavin is a pilot who crashed his plane in the desert a few years ago and had to leave the US Air Force because he was seeing a strange land.
He also has a drinking problem, but a drink problem is found only in Hollywood TV shows and movies. Gavin can grab some slugs from his hip flask and two minutes later a job interview occurs, during which the interviewer, facing him from three feet away, doesn’t notice that the sloping bucket of the pub is blown off his breath. Smells like.
Meanwhile, Eve and Josh wake up and find themselves in a place that looks a lot like LA from 10,000 years ago. This is because, as the audience will know long before the characters do, it Is LA 10,000 years ago.
Clues are swirling in prehistoric creatures (birds, wild dogs, saber-toothed tigers). These are rendered with some of the cheapest looking CGI I’ve ever seen. If the late stop-motion genius Ray Harryhausen was blind in both eyes and missing one arm, he would still have done something that looked more convincing.
The script seems to have been written by people with short term memory issues. On two occasions, when Eve and Josh come face to face with an animal that wants to eat them, Eve exclaims, “Don’t move!” – Five seconds later “Run!”
Other sinkhole survivors include a dodgy detective, a depressed psychiatrist, a macho doctor, and a stoner friend.
Every two minutes someone asks out loud, “Where are we?” or “What happened?” or “What’s going on?”
The best is the short-sighted man who can’t find his glasses and says: “This is my worst nightmare.”
Who’s waiting? You’ve fallen down a big hole and come in Jurassic Park And this is your worst nightmare?
Truly insane, deeply dastardly.